It touches on several cultural issues in a relatively new way, and I think that’s why it sparked a variety of passionate responses across the spectrum.

Some self-described feminists said no apologies, no atonement– burn her at the stake.

Others said you are brave. I’ve never had to leave that circle but please help others get out.

Some self-described trads said this is betrayal. She’s a rabid blue-haired feminist now– burn her at the stake.

Others said you are brave. This message is needed because some men do pervert their role and abuse their wives. Please help others get out.

It has been an interesting experience.

I have cried.

For two very different reasons…

I’ve cried because I felt seen and understood by strangers. By women who had escaped similar traps. By people who wished their own mothers had been able to do the same. By women who are still in the thick of it.

Somehow, my once personal and private exodus was now helping others find hope for their own.

And I’ve cried because I felt condemned and hated by strangers. As though I were a monster for some of my past posts, deserving of mockery and, at times, even punishment reminiscent of the treatment I escaped.

I hold on to both ends of this spectrum because they reveal something about where we are in these conversations today.

Anger and empathy.
Ignorance and wisdom.

All of it bursting from the little rectangle in my hand.

I cannot control any of it.
But I can learn from it.

And after all of that (and whatever else comes after), know that I’m not particularly interested in defending myself or collecting praise.

I’m interested in sharing what keeps women trapped in spiritually manipulative and controlling marriages. I’m interested in sharing how we can help those women find their way out.

We cannot help women escape environments we refuse to understand.

We have to examine the beliefs that teach women to distrust their own judgment.

The misuse of religious language that turns submission into an obligation to endure mistreatment.

The communities that reward women for staying and shame them for leaving.

We have to understand how a woman can sincerely believe she is doing the right thing while participating in her own captivity.

I know because I was that woman.

Imagine if we did more to peel back some of the beliefs, structures, teachings and psychological mechanisms that can make abuse difficult to recognize, let alone escape...

Some commentators will continue to hurl vitriol at me through their screens. That is the nature of the digital space. Their words may hurt. Some already have.

But I’ve survived much worse in real life. In actual flesh and blood. And by the grace of God, I will keep going.

To those who have reached out through direct messages, comments and emails with supportive words, thank you. You took time out of your lives to encourage me… your words have given me strength and courage.

Your empathy is heartwarming and it gives me hope for the women who will need that same compassion in the future.

I don’t expect everyone to trust me at face value, that would be foolish indeed.

But understand that this is the first time in my adult life that I have had FULL ownership of my own thoughts, my own conclusions, my own beliefs, words and actions.

This is a privilege for me.

A gift.

A newfound luxury.

And as a public-facing woman,

I have zero intention to waste it.

Sincerely,
Bernadine Bluntly

Have you ever seen a woman like this?
Have you ever been a woman like this?

Shrinking to survive is the gist of a woman in a cycle and these are some signs that she may be hurting inside a controlling relationship.

Subscribe now

Disclaimer: these are behavioral patterns that may warrant paying closer attention. None of these behaviors alone prove that someone is being abused. Many have other explanations. What matters is the pattern, particularly when multiple signs appear together or when someone’s personality seems to shrink in the presence of her partner.

18 signs she may be mistreated in her relationship (in no particular order of importance):

1. She looks down at her feet a lot

2. She struggles to make eye contact

3. Her shoulders are often hunched over

4. She mumbles and doesn’t enunciate

5. She speaks with a very low voice

6. She infantilizes her voice (baby talk)

7. She is unsure when sharing her opinion

8. She has a hard time receiving compliments

9. When you ask about her life, she’s very careful about what she shares

10. She speaks negatively or lowly about herself

11. She self-blames a lot

12. She over-apologizes for almost everything

13. She doesn’t go out much

14. She has reasons why you can’t come over or visit

15. She is very surprised and extra appreciative when you do a small act of kindness

16. She sounds like she makes excuses for her man (“oh, he just had a very hard day”)

17. She’s livelier, happier, lighter when she’s NOT with her man

18. She’s quieter, to herself, and more insecure and timid when she’s with her man

If you’re recognizing several of these patterns in someone you love, don’t jump to a conclusion, BUT don’t dismiss what you’re noticing either. Pay attention to the pattern.

Mistreatment and abuse take a massive toll on a woman’s sense of dignity, confidence, and freedom. She may become constantly worried about what she can say, wear, do, where she can go, who she can talk to, etc.

She feels like trash, so her self-confidence is shot. She’s used to walking on eggshells and blaming herself, so she’s always at the ready to apologize and shrink. She doesn’t feel at liberty to be seen, heard or to take up space. Always worried about doing something wrong and the consequences of that.

But when she is not with her man, she seems lighter and happier– like she can finally breathe for a change.

At least, temporarily.

My advice is, don’t immediately confront her partner on her behalf. Don’t interrogate her or demand that she leave him right now. Women in abusive relationships can develop powerful trauma bonds and pressure or confrontation may cause her to become even more defensive of him or withdraw from you. Don’t make your love and friendship contingent upon her leaving on your timeline.

However, stay connected and available.

Make yourself a safe person who listens, someone she can talk to… and remind her through your treatment of her that she deserves safety and respect. If and when she reaches a point where she’s ready to leave and get help, she’ll know who made it safe for her to ask.

— Bernadine Bluntly

Subscribe now

Share Bernadine Bluntly

If your husbands do these things, it’s probably a red flag. Isolation is one of the earliest signs of abuse to watch out for. Here are red flags that can cause someone (you) to become more dependent in every way (financially, socially, mentally, emotionally, etc).

None of these things automatically mean someone is abusive. For example, plenty of healthy families live rurally, homeschool, enjoy privacy, or take time finding a church.

The concern is when several of these patterns happen together and consistently make one spouse increasingly dependent on the other while reducing outside relationships and accountability.

Four red flags of social isolation and what you can do to maybe prevent it.

1. Geographical Isolation: you live far away from your family and friends
   
   🚩: Your husband moves you to the middle of nowhere or far from family and friends and discourages new relationships. Maybe under the guise of “homesteading” and “self-sufficiency” (which can be great). But if you don’t build a community while you’re in the middle of nowhere, this could become a risk. If you live in a city/town or even a state where you don’t have any family or friends nearby, this can be a risk.
   
   If you’re not encouraged or allowed to make meaningful connections with neighbors or people in this new area, that can be a risk. It’s easier to control someone if they don’t have anyone to easily reach out to.
   
   Try to avoid moving to the middle of nowhere. Live close to where there are family or established friendships (preferably family from your side of the marriage, or at least not just his). If you have children, it is even more important to have people nearby– for support at best, for escape at worst.
   
   

2. Spiritual Isolation: no church community
   
   🚩: Your husband continually avoids regular church attendance. He does not want to connect with other Christians. He consistently rejects opportunities for meaningful Christian community and accountability. If he does go to church, your family is rushed in and out before relationships (and accountability) can form. If he does talk to others while at church, everything is small talk and does not go much deeper. He makes excuses for why you can’t find a solid home church.

   
   Maybe he says churches these days are feminized or too progressive. Not masculine enough. Not Biblical enough. So there’s always a reason he doesn’t like any church and he always finds something the pastor says that he disagrees with, enough so to never return again.
   
   Maybe your husband says “church is wherever two or three are gathered in His name”, so your family at home is church enough and singing songs and reading a Bible passage is sufficient. The lack of a spiritual family breeds spiritual isolation and control, which is risky and can become dangerous.
   
   A spouse who continually rejects every opportunity for healthy, Christian community and accountability may be increasing isolation. Don’t let it get to this point. Try going to church by yourself. Hopefully he allows it.

   Share this post with someone who might find it relevant, useful and even life-saving.

   Share

3. Relational Isolation: family and friends are not quite welcome
   
   🚩: Your husband makes it nearly impossible or simply unenjoyable for you to talk to family and friends. He may say it’s inconvenient or a hassle to have your family or friends over. The timing is never good enough or perfect for them to call or visit.
   
   And if family or friends do call or visit, your conversations are slyly monitored, or you’re interviewed (interrogated) afterwards on what all was discussed.
   
   Another tactic could be that he causes drama when family and friends want to reach out or visit, so you’ve associated other people with stress and don’t even bother to put in the effort of reaching out to them anymore. Is it worth the silent treatment, the resentment or the arguments? You ask yourself.
   
   Don’t give up on talking with family and friends, even if it’s via text. Tell your husband that you need your family and friends… but that’s easier said than done.

4. Information Isolation: you can’t share about your life or marriage
   
   🚩: Your husband says not to tell others about your marital problems because that’s “our private, personal business” and sharing that stuff about him or your marriage is “betraying” him and breaking “loyalty”.
   
   This can lead to leaving you with only shallow relationships with family and friends, even if they used to be really close to you and you used to be able to confide in them about anything.
   
   This is a risk because now you’re handed the job of image-management and secrecy.

   
   Your experiences, emotions, thoughts and struggles may become increasingly influenced, shaped, and managed by your husband. This can make it very difficult to speak out in the future when things get toxic or even unsafe. Community is not a liability. God created community and communication for all of our benefit.
   
   “You’re betraying my trust by telling other people about our problems. Nobody needs to know about our personal, private business.” Ladies, if your boyfriend or husband is telling you this, it’s probably a red flag.

Marriages were not designed to be an island. For all of human history, a husband and wife were always a part of a larger tribe and a bigger village or community. Understand that it is not a sin for you to have other people to confide in. Your marriage will probably be healthier if others were present– to help give prayer, encouragement, support, accountability.

To the wives, remember on your wedding day when you were surrounded by family and friends, and there were bridesmaids and groomsmen around who were symbols of community support for your marriage.

That’s still the healthy version of marriage. You were never meant to keep everything secret. If you’re always arguing and it has become toxic, if there is control and abuse in the home, you’re not supposed to just sweep all of that under the rug in the name of loyalty.

So reach out and speak out. It’s not betrayal.

In my next Substack article, I will share signs that show a woman may be hurting in a controlling relationship. Subscribe to support my work. See you next time.

Subscribe now

- Bernadine Bluntly