This is such an important piece, Bernadine, and thank you for being so open about what you went through. You’ve articulated a pattern that so many women (especially in the West) run into when trying to build a traditional marriage, and your warnings here are completely spot on.
Reading your story really highlights what I think is the core issue here: traditionalism was never designed to exist in a hyper-atomized vacuum.
In modern Anglo-American culture, the total breakdown of communal guardrails has left couples completely stranded. When a society preaches absolute individualism and "mind your own business," extended family and friends naturally step back out of politeness or a desire to respect a couple's "privacy." But that means there’s zero collective social policing left to check a man’s worst impulses or stop a woman from being isolated.
Compare that to a traditional, collectivist society—like here in Egypt, where I’m living right now. The scenario you described, where a husband manages to cut his wife off from her family and support network, is practically impossible.
Over here, marriage isn't just an isolated contract between two atomized individuals; it’s an alliance between families. An Egyptian husband never operates in a vacuum. If he tries to isolate his wife or treat her dishonorably, he isn't just dealing with her—he’s dealing with her parents, her siblings, her aunts and uncles, and an entire community that actively enforces social norms. Family and friends don't just "stay away" to be polite; they’re an omnipresent force in daily life. If a husband tries to isolate his wife and/or act inappropriately, her family will quickly show up at his door. The Western idea of total nuclear privacy just doesn't exist here in the same way, and that built-in presence acts as an immediate check on bad behavior.
Honestly, I think this is why "traditional" marriages in the modern West turn toxic so often: we have kept a semblance of the authority structure of traditionalism, but completely discarded the communal guardrails—like public decorum, family accountability, and organic community intervention—that were always meant to keep that authority honorable, accountable, and safe.
Anglo-American culture has lost that natural, organic friction that keeps people accountable to the group, which is exactly why creepy, predatory, and antisocial behaviors are able to breed so quietly behind closed doors in the West.
Thank you so much for writing this and shining a light on these red flags. It’s such a crucial conversation for women who are trying to navigate traditionalism safely today (especially in the modern West.) ❤️
Marriage in the West—even what people label “traditional marriage”—is often just a caricature based on 1950s advertisements. Historically, marriage was closer to a political and economic alliance between families, with the husband and wife functioning more like a prince and princess/King and Queen. Marriage historically tended to involve wider kinship networks and obligations between families.
(I think what you're listing here often stems from strict traditional roles and so called "men should be the head of the house" mindset, abuse is both inevitable and evitable. Considering your past content critiquing feminism, it's interesting that we're now discussing the exact risks feminism was built to protect women from)
Egalitarian marriage exists. Egalitarian marriage is, about being equal.
These red flags you listed out could be avoided before marriage and before dating if women evaluated partners based on logic, critical thinking skills and beyond indoctrinated expectations and refused to take their hard-won rights and freedom for granted. If only women were not forced to conform to the idea that men are superior to women.
And ladies, build a foundation for yourself before others. Avoid cutting off your nose to spite your face, and beware the illusion of a gilded cage.
Yes and also people change. Men fall into the red pill Manosphere rabbit holes, including the ones wrapped in “Christian” lingo twisting scripture. Single men and married men alike can change, just like that.
Didn't the Duggars do "home church"? That always raised red flags to me.
I would also say it's a red flag if he doesn't "allow" a woman to go to church alone. Actually... asking for permission in general, with the expectation that he can veto 🚩🚩🚩
This is so good. I’m glad this is beginning to be a conversation at all. The Church world is good a covering these things up. I’m so proud of you. Glad you’re doing so well. 🩷
I'm so sorry you dealt with this, girl. But I'm also sp proud of you for taking the lessons and spreading awareness to others.
I was with a guy years ago who would pick fights with me before hanging out with family and friends and either get me to cancel plans all together or just make sure we'd not be having a good time because we were mid fight...
There were a lot of red flags in that relationship when I look back -- love-bombing, gaslighting, manipulating, etc. I was a former shell of myself by the time it was all said and done.
God is always good and He'll take what was meant to destroy us and use it for His glory. I already see him working thru you!
The red flags Bernadine lists are signs that often show up later in the relationship. By that time the abuser’s grooming and brainwashing (and society’s and church’s patriarchal brainwashing) has already taken such hold on the target woman that she will find it hard to get out of the fog.
This is such an important piece, Bernadine, and thank you for being so open about what you went through. You’ve articulated a pattern that so many women (especially in the West) run into when trying to build a traditional marriage, and your warnings here are completely spot on.
Reading your story really highlights what I think is the core issue here: traditionalism was never designed to exist in a hyper-atomized vacuum.
In modern Anglo-American culture, the total breakdown of communal guardrails has left couples completely stranded. When a society preaches absolute individualism and "mind your own business," extended family and friends naturally step back out of politeness or a desire to respect a couple's "privacy." But that means there’s zero collective social policing left to check a man’s worst impulses or stop a woman from being isolated.
Compare that to a traditional, collectivist society—like here in Egypt, where I’m living right now. The scenario you described, where a husband manages to cut his wife off from her family and support network, is practically impossible.
Over here, marriage isn't just an isolated contract between two atomized individuals; it’s an alliance between families. An Egyptian husband never operates in a vacuum. If he tries to isolate his wife or treat her dishonorably, he isn't just dealing with her—he’s dealing with her parents, her siblings, her aunts and uncles, and an entire community that actively enforces social norms. Family and friends don't just "stay away" to be polite; they’re an omnipresent force in daily life. If a husband tries to isolate his wife and/or act inappropriately, her family will quickly show up at his door. The Western idea of total nuclear privacy just doesn't exist here in the same way, and that built-in presence acts as an immediate check on bad behavior.
Honestly, I think this is why "traditional" marriages in the modern West turn toxic so often: we have kept a semblance of the authority structure of traditionalism, but completely discarded the communal guardrails—like public decorum, family accountability, and organic community intervention—that were always meant to keep that authority honorable, accountable, and safe.
Anglo-American culture has lost that natural, organic friction that keeps people accountable to the group, which is exactly why creepy, predatory, and antisocial behaviors are able to breed so quietly behind closed doors in the West.
Thank you so much for writing this and shining a light on these red flags. It’s such a crucial conversation for women who are trying to navigate traditionalism safely today (especially in the modern West.) ❤️
Marriage in the West—even what people label “traditional marriage”—is often just a caricature based on 1950s advertisements. Historically, marriage was closer to a political and economic alliance between families, with the husband and wife functioning more like a prince and princess/King and Queen. Marriage historically tended to involve wider kinship networks and obligations between families.
(Not blaming any abuse victims here)
(I think what you're listing here often stems from strict traditional roles and so called "men should be the head of the house" mindset, abuse is both inevitable and evitable. Considering your past content critiquing feminism, it's interesting that we're now discussing the exact risks feminism was built to protect women from)
Egalitarian marriage exists. Egalitarian marriage is, about being equal.
These red flags you listed out could be avoided before marriage and before dating if women evaluated partners based on logic, critical thinking skills and beyond indoctrinated expectations and refused to take their hard-won rights and freedom for granted. If only women were not forced to conform to the idea that men are superior to women.
And ladies, build a foundation for yourself before others. Avoid cutting off your nose to spite your face, and beware the illusion of a gilded cage.
I hope your children are safe Bernadine!
Yes and also people change. Men fall into the red pill Manosphere rabbit holes, including the ones wrapped in “Christian” lingo twisting scripture. Single men and married men alike can change, just like that.
Didn't the Duggars do "home church"? That always raised red flags to me.
I would also say it's a red flag if he doesn't "allow" a woman to go to church alone. Actually... asking for permission in general, with the expectation that he can veto 🚩🚩🚩
No, they are apart of that cultish, legalistic church IBLP
This is so good. I’m glad this is beginning to be a conversation at all. The Church world is good a covering these things up. I’m so proud of you. Glad you’re doing so well. 🩷
I'm so sorry you dealt with this, girl. But I'm also sp proud of you for taking the lessons and spreading awareness to others.
I was with a guy years ago who would pick fights with me before hanging out with family and friends and either get me to cancel plans all together or just make sure we'd not be having a good time because we were mid fight...
There were a lot of red flags in that relationship when I look back -- love-bombing, gaslighting, manipulating, etc. I was a former shell of myself by the time it was all said and done.
God is always good and He'll take what was meant to destroy us and use it for His glory. I already see him working thru you!
The Power & Control Wheel doesn’t show the predatory entrapment phase of the relationship. Don Hennessy and I discuss this at 18:09 in this video:
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2026/04/28/don-hennessy-and-barbara-roberts-talk-about-domestic-violence-and-abuse-part-1/
https://youtu.be/NbE79Mj3M-M?si=U2xNdy4sKFx-6ZEL
These red flags are good. Here are some more. https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/faq/how-can-i-identify-an-abuser/
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2016/05/30/defining-domestic-abuse-by-a-list-of-behaviors-is-never-going-to-capture-it/
The red flags Bernadine lists are signs that often show up later in the relationship. By that time the abuser’s grooming and brainwashing (and society’s and church’s patriarchal brainwashing) has already taken such hold on the target woman that she will find it hard to get out of the fog.
Wisdom 💖👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻