Smaller posture. Smaller opinions. Smaller social world. Smaller sense of dignity and expectations. Smaller voice. Smaller presence in the room.
Have you ever seen a woman like this?
Have you ever been a woman like this?
Shrinking to survive is the gist of a woman in a cycle and these are some signs that she may be hurting inside a controlling relationship.
Disclaimer: these are behavioral patterns that may warrant paying closer attention. None of these behaviors alone prove that someone is being abused. Many have other explanations. What matters is the pattern, particularly when multiple signs appear together or when someone’s personality seems to shrink in the presence of her partner.
18 signs she may be mistreated in her relationship (in no particular order of importance):
1. She looks down at her feet a lot
2. She struggles to make eye contact
3. Her shoulders are often hunched over
4. She mumbles and doesn’t enunciate
5. She speaks with a very low voice
6. She infantilizes her voice (baby talk)
7. She is unsure when sharing her opinion
8. She has a hard time receiving compliments
9. When you ask about her life, she’s very careful about what she shares
10. She speaks negatively or lowly about herself
11. She self-blames a lot
12. She over-apologizes for almost everything
13. She doesn’t go out much
14. She has reasons why you can’t come over or visit
15. She is very surprised and extra appreciative when you do a small act of kindness
16. She sounds like she makes excuses for her man (“oh, he just had a very hard day”)
17. She’s livelier, happier, lighter when she’s NOT with her man
18. She’s quieter, to herself, and more insecure and timid when she’s with her man
If you’re recognizing several of these patterns in someone you love, don’t jump to a conclusion, BUT don’t dismiss what you’re noticing either. Pay attention to the pattern.
Mistreatment and abuse take a massive toll on a woman’s sense of dignity, confidence, and freedom. She may become constantly worried about what she can say, wear, do, where she can go, who she can talk to, etc.
She feels like trash, so her self-confidence is shot. She’s used to walking on eggshells and blaming herself, so she’s always at the ready to apologize and shrink. She doesn’t feel at liberty to be seen, heard or to take up space. Always worried about doing something wrong and the consequences of that.
But when she is not with her man, she seems lighter and happier– like she can finally breathe for a change.
At least, temporarily.
My advice is, don’t immediately confront her partner on her behalf. Don’t interrogate her or demand that she leave him right now. Women in abusive relationships can develop powerful trauma bonds and pressure or confrontation may cause her to become even more defensive of him or withdraw from you. Don’t make your love and friendship contingent upon her leaving on your timeline.
However, stay connected and available.
Make yourself a safe person who listens, someone she can talk to… and remind her through your treatment of her that she deserves safety and respect. If and when she reaches a point where she’s ready to leave and get help, she’ll know who made it safe for her to ask.
— Bernadine Bluntly
A very observant composition Bernadine, the part you mentioned about the physical changes really struck a chord. The list of signs you indicated shows how the body tries to protect itself before the mind realizes whats happening.
I've seen this too often! Oddly enough, the other side of the coin are those that adopt such behaviors in order to personally avoid conflict, responsibility, etc by making their partner shoulder everything. I know someone that is extroverted and very capable of sharing their feelings and needs. They have adopted many of these behaviors as a manipulative mask that only breaks when they don't get their way. This is rare but I know at least one example. The others really sadden me because I can't really be there for them. Their partners often control contact and they are often scared to reach out. That being said, I do want to help them more.